


This Is No Shelter From Rain

by antierotic



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, F/F, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:48:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25034197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antierotic/pseuds/antierotic
Summary: Ellie returns to Dina in the middle of the night. The months that have past have given them time to process their loss, their world and their relationship. A force arrives in Jackson that could turn them against each other, or tear them apart.Dina’s New Mexico past returns to haunt her.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 230





	1. Chapter 1

This is not a shelter from the rain 

“It’s like her light went out,” Jesse said after he arrived at the theater. The two of them had a talk about Ellie while she was asleep, recovering from deep stab wounds. “When that happened...when she saw what happened to Joel. It’s like a part of her died inside.”

Dina felt how the world suddenly became so real. Only a couple of years earlier they were normal teenagers binging old movies in the high school gym. In front of the projector, Dina would dramatically act out her favorite scenes, she knew by heart as they had seen them so many times. The other kids from the block in Jackson where fun and always down for stickball or kickball. But the three of them found themselves over the years having more sleepovers together, telling each other more secrets, and becoming family. 

All of that was falling apart. 

Before Joel’s death, there was peace. There was the future to look forward to. Now they lived in a nightmare. In Ellie’s nightmare. 

Ellie screamed in the middle of the night. When Dina called her name, she’d have to tap on her shoulder to snap her out of the dark past. 

And Dina hadn’t told Jesse when he was alive that she was pregnant. They were good friends, and he wanted more. Dina enjoyed his attention in the beginning, physically and emotionally. But the spark wasn’t there for them. Now it was too late. She never had time to tell him. I thought there would be more time, Dina thought. Their invincibility ran out. Jesse was gone forever and he never heard from her that he was going to become a father. 

Suddenly they lost so much to this battle. And even when they thought it was all over, Ellie could never continue living like this. Living a normal life. Dina thought Ellie wanted to die. That theater haunted Dina. In her own nightmares she saw the velvet red rooms, damply stained with rivers of their own blood, mixing and putrid. Maybe deep down Dina did resent Ellie’s obsession, but it didn’t matter. She would follow her again and again. 

——————————-

Part One:

Getting Ellie to notice her was hard. Ellie kept her head down a lot of the time when she first moved to Jackson. But when they were alone, when she felt comfortable to smile, they’d have a circus. She showed them how to throw knives. They practiced shooting old glass bottles. They learned how the older residents of Jackson made “prison hooch” and mastered the art. 

They had a party for Ellie’s 18th birthday. “You told him!” She was mad at her. Actually mad at her for the first time. “You told me you’d keep my secret.” Dina let it slip to Jesse that Ellie had ‘bicurious’ thoughts. 

Dina was at a loss for a rebuttal. “I...he asked and I couldn’t lie. I mean, that’s what boyfriends are for right? He’s also your friend too.”

“That doesn’t matter!” Ellie shouted at her for the first time. It cut Dina like a hot knife. “It isn’t anyone’s business to know. I...can’t talk to you right now.” 

Her heart broke at that. It was their first fight. As Ellie walked away, Dina instantly flared up with panic and trailed behind her. “No no no,” Dina said before cutting off her path, “Ellie wait please. Please,” her voice broke into sad begging. All the time she spent earning her trust, melting her walls down, felt like it was spinning down the drain. How painful it would be if Ellie ever withdrew her affection for her best friend. Dina did not want to imagine a world where Ellie did not give her that special attention. A world with Ellie not in it would be a cold, dark world. 

She would do anything to keep her from walking away. 

—-

There was a statue made of them, put on the edge of the settlement after Ellie’s departure. Maria thought the community suffered a great loss, and memorializing their lost patrol would help the healing. The monument was for those who died protecting them from the Wolves. 

Dina thought the facial expressions were wrong. The statues of Ellie and Jesse looked wrong. Why did they have them look angry? She thought they should remember them smiling and happy. She went out of her way to never walk by the monument. 

But then the news started to spread. Ellie was back. She’s back she’s back she’s back, it seemed to hum and chatter all around her, in her mind and amongst all the woodland creatures, amongst the runners and killers, amongst the little children who dreamed of patrolling, amongst the older people who watched them grow into adults. She’s alive. Dina, who wandered despondently in the months of Ellie’s absence, began to accept she might never come back. It killed her slowly. 

She refused to believe it. The cold rattling of the empty farmhouse felt like the barrenness of her heart. Dina no longer wanted to haunt like a forlorn widow. She no longer wanting to be a prisoner of their abandoned home, of her bottomless loneliness. Of hopelessness. Never knowing which ditch along the western coast Ellie’s body would be rotting, never to be found, never to be buried at home. 

Four months. JJ started walking. His hair grew. He babbled a lot. He outgrew his clothes so quickly. The glint in his eyes became more aware. He looked around and wanted to touch everything. Jesse’s likeness was in his face. If only he were there to tell her what to do. He was always good about listening to her. 

Ellie too. But she was so wrapped up in her own world to notice others sometimes. 

She walked home from clinic duty, buzzing with anxiety. There was something about Ellie, even the thought of Ellie, that made her feel completely surrounded. Like she could not escape. Like prey in a trap. No matter what she did, she would always be a puppet to be picked up and put down by her. They say that is love. And she absolutely hated it. 

When she returned home that day after hearing the rumor, there was a bouquet of flowers in a pale blue vase on the windowsill. She approached it and stroked the petals. They were her favorite. 

“I’ll be waiting until you’re ready to see me” read the note. The note said she was staying at Maria’s. 

She sourly scoffed. Never. She would never be ready. This was Ellie’s MO: to make her feel as if she had an option or a choice or free will here. It was like the last thing she said to her: That’s your choice. Dina waited like a puppet in that house for a month. Feeling like a discarded, forgotten doll. 

JJ cried out for her, snapping her out of the mental circles. Just at the sight of her, his face lit up in that wide toothy smile. JJ would love her forever. He would never leave. She would make sure there was never a better mother than her. Weeks went by after Ellie walked out, and she began to mourn her death. How long until she could be absolutely sure that Ellie would never return? When would the painful hope in her heart, struggling like a flickering candle in a storm, finally be blown out?

But even when you try your best, it’s not enough. At any point, it can all be taken from you. Isn’t that what they all learned the hard way? 

——-

Dina mulled over and over after the flowers and note. Without allowing herself to be absolutely elated that Ellie was still alive, she wondered if she herself could muster the strength to tell her never to talk to Ellie again. In her head, she practiced those lines that she wrote in her head during the four months of mourning. How she could never forgive her. How she could never put JJ through something like that again. 

But she was weak now and she hated herself for it. The Ellie-shaped hole in her heart ached, and she knew it would never close. No, four months was not enough time to let go. She wondered if even four years would be enough. Probably not. 

Leaving her fetal position on the futon-turned-couch in her old living room in Jackson, Dina approached the windowsill. She found a piece of paper, scribbled on it in haste, then wedged it somewhere visible in the window. 

“That’s your choice,” the voice from that memory she replayed over and over spoke in her mind, absolving itself of responsibility. Dina fumed. As if there was any other choice. She tried to cling to resentment to protect herself from the stormy buzz of excitement and anticipation. It almost felt nauseating, as if she rode such an intense high. 

—

She didn’t like seeing Ellie’s eyes dull like a sharks’. There beside the window stood the ghost she prayed for, pouring in with her back to the pure white moonlight, with the expression of a tiny, sad lost child. The white light adorned her outline and her silhouette glowed like an angel. 

It was ironic; Ellie wore a hateful, dead glare when she was ready to gouge out human throats and destroy monsters. But whenever the two of them had an argument, or when Dina was mad at her, Ellie’s face looked so...human. So small, tearful and scared. 

That disarmed her. Dina looked at the clock by the bed. It was half past one. Ellie woke her up with soft footsteps. If it were any other day, Dina would’ve whipped out the dagger from the bedside. But tonight she expected a visitor. 

“Do you know what time it is?” she tried her best to sound stern, but it fell embarrassingly flat. Her heart was thrumming wildly. It pounded uncontrollably. There Ellie stood, the face she permanently burned into her mind. It was ringed with purple bruises and healing scars. Ellie was used to being pummeled. Dina believed pain and fighting made Ellie feel high and she didn’t know what to do without it. But even then, with all her injuries, Ellie looked like some kind of war god. Against her resentful will, for a moment she respected and admired Ellie’s glory. Because after all, she survived. Many others didn’t. 

Ellie’s mouth curled into a weak, pearly smile. She used the tender stare reserved only for Dina. “I was in the neighborhood.”

Dina was still shellshocked and silent. 

“I couldn’t sleep,” Ellie finally confessed. “And I found your note. I couldn’t wait.” 

“So you stalked by my house?” Dina used a stern tone, from which Ellie detected a small trace of amusement. 

“I wanted to see if you liked your flowers.” 

Dina tried to think of a clever response. The cool night breeze chilled her bare shoulders. She slept in a tank top and shorts, covered in a thick patchwork quilt Jesse’s mother made. The bed was smaller than the one at the farmhouse. Even when Dina moved out of that house, she left behind a pillow and blanket for this ghost, with the hope that one day, this moment would occur. “I liked them.” 

Ellie’s tense expression softened to a satisfied smile. She was still standing by the window. Dina patted the space on the bed beside her, beckoning. Ellie quickly hustled over to that spot like a puppy, never breaking eye contact. 

“Oh fuck” Dina breathed at the sight of Ellie’s gruesomely dismembered fingers. The stumps were pinkish and jagged. It looked so painful that Dina winced as she brushed her fingertips over them. 

“You should see the other guy,” Ellie joked softly. Always trying to lift the tense mood. Dina smiled. Part of her wanted to hold onto her resentment of Ellie’s abandonment, to protect herself from Ellie’s eventual next departure. Dina worried no matter how much Ellie wanted to be a normal person with a normal life, she would never let herself. Someday, just like that, Ellie would be standing at the doorway again, saying goodbye. The next time, maybe she would never return to her like this. 

She didn’t even notice the tears in her eyes welling and falling. Ellie’s expression went from expectation to guilt. “Is she dead?”

Ellie shook her head no. 

“Are you leaving again?”

“Not if you don’t want me to.”

“That’s not how it happened last time,” Dina ruefully smirked. 

Ellie pondered deeply about what to say. Dina could tell she wanted to say the perfect thing, to quell all of Dina’s fears. She was always trying to do that for her. Except this time, Ellie knew it wasn’t going to be so simple. 

“I tried to kill her. But I...couldn’t. Joel did everything he did to her for me. When he died, it was all for nothing. He wanted me to live, but I wanted to die.”

Ellie paused. She let her continue. 

“I wanted to kill Abby because...it would make sense of his death. She was bad, and had to pay. She haunted me so badly, I felt like I was dying inside. I was falling apart,”

“But when I freed her from the jail, she was weak. She could barely fight. Her hair was gone. When I untied her she went straight for the little boy she was caring for. If I killed her, maybe he would be...” Ellie didn’t say it. 

Lev would be just like me, is what Ellie couldn’t bear to say. 

Hearing all of that made sense of Dina’s loss. Ellie would never leave her without a good reason. Even when she was practically dead for four months, Dina did not regret everything they went through together. Even if she knew the future excruciating pain that came with losing Ellie, Dina would have still treasured every moment they spent by each other’s side. Through all the misery and pain of this awful world...they were happy together for a while. This choice would be no different. If Ellie someday left again, or died, Dina would regret pushing Ellie away right now. She would wish that she had hung on to this chance for dear life, savoring every second. 

“I’m still mad.”

“I know.”

“How do you know?”

“Your eyes look like they’re gonna fucking burst into flames,” Ellie commented lightheartedly. Dina fought a smile, and forcefully shoved the girl right beside her. 

“Don’t fucking make me laugh!” Dina felt weak for cracking so soon and so easily. But maybe Ellie was just her weakness. Maybe there was nothing wrong with that. 

Seeing Ellie’s pale blue eyes, face bleached with moonlight, her expression full of tenderness... it reminded her of their girlhood together, laughing, sleepovers, whispering secrets, sharing beds, giggling through the night. It reminded her of when they met for the first time, when Ellie arrived in Jackson as a shell of a girl, quiet and reserved. As they got to know each other, being together felt more natural than anything in the world. Besides Joel, no one else was as close to Ellie as her. They needed each other. 

“I’m sorry, Dina,” Ellie said solemnly. It sounded so genuine and true. A part of Dina wanted to make Ellie grovel more. Dina had a small cruel streak. Something about the way she apologized though, made her think Ellie has been through enough already. 

Ellie stood up from the bed. Their fingers pulled apart. Dina hopped up onto her knees in panic. “Where are you going?” her voice shook. It was happening again. Ellie was leaving for good. 

“It’s really late,” Ellie put a hand to the back of her neck. “But I am so, so sorry. I want to prove it to you. I’d... I would...” 

Dina crawled to Ellie’s side on her knees, snatched her wool flannel collar and dragged her back onto the bed. She forcefully pushed her shoulders down, until Ellie’s back was laying flat. Ellie let it all happen. Her collar was still bunched up in both of Dina’s fists. She brought her face down and let her long hair fall loosely around them. 

“You would do anything?” she whispered. Ellie’s gaze widened and dropped to her lips. “Prove it.”

Dina threw her right knee over Ellie’s body and straddled her. She watched Ellie’s eyes fondly take over her body in nothing but her underwear and tank top. Dina pushed her palms over Ellie’s sturdy chest, unbuttoning her shirt steadily, and feeling under it for a heartbeat. There she felt the thud of a heart pounding ferociously against a sternum. Dina grinded her hips down back and forth, feeling Ellie’s heart stutter. Her breaths stopped, then went long and deep. 

Dina was proving a point to herself. Ellie wanted her still. “Did you think about me?”

“Every second. Everyday.” Ellie sighed and resigned into Dina’s ministrations. Her strategy sort of came to her. She would make Ellie wonder why she ever preferred wet, cold basements full of clickers, miles and miles of lonely, dangerous roads over this. It was the only satisfying revenge she could think of. 

Ellie’s lips parted and moaned softly with the slow rocking of her hips. Dina reached for her left wrist, dragging Ellie’s palm up the center of her warm, toned belly, the middle of her chest, and brought the two fingers to her lips. Dina made her disfigured hand feel like they were the most desirable thing in the world. 

—-

Laying silently in the bedroom in Ellie’s presence for the first time in months, Dina recalled the process of falling in love with her. 

“Would you do it now? Would you give up your life to the fireflies?” Dina settled beside Ellie during their snowy night in the grow house. That was when she told her about Joel killing Abby’s father. After their first kiss. Right after their first time making love. The day after the last night Ellie ever saw Joel. 

“I don’t know. Maybe. If I could save people. If this nightmare could be over. Maybe.”

Dina shifted onto her elbow and rested her head in her palm to look at Ellie. “Why don’t you leave that job to someone else?”

“Well isn’t it my responsibility?”

Dina climbed on her again. “You have other, more important responsibilities.”  
—-

“I know I can’t fill your void.” Dina whispered to Ellie’s peacefully slumbering face. She knew Ellie lied. The day would come when she would decide a different fate and they would say goodbye forever. Dina wondered if she would ever fall in love someone as deeply and fatally again. Would Ellie? Would Dina become a landmark on the horizon of her past, while someone else became her present? 

Ellie snorted in her sleep grossly, disturbing herself out of her sleep. Groggily, Ellie’s eyes slitted open and peered to her side where Dina lay unabashedly staring and giggling. “Dina?” she croaked. 

“Go back to sleep, you little piglet.” 

She accepted then that she would be in love Ellie Williams until the day she died. 

—-

She got the blue vase from Maria. 

The flowers themselves came from the cliff, on the way back to Jackson. There was a drop off on the side of the road that dipped into a valley that led into endless golden prairies of grass and grain. The sun glittered the landscape with a breath of unrestrained life. Ellie felt the power of each stem growing towards the sun with a vigorous will to survive.

She felt like a leaf entering autumn, with the trees shedding into its new form. She felt like she was molting a heavy, putrid shell of hate and sadness. Nothing could make it go away. 

There was something to be said about “seeing things through.” She still did not know what that meant. Abby’s emaciated, degraded form slugging through shallow water, desperate to survive. Ellie knew what it felt like to extinguish life. It became almost like breathing. People died so often by her hand that she couldn’t count. 

The entire trip to California was a nightmare. She was completely alone, only surviving on small amounts of food in abandoned houses where people once lived with their families. Their photos still hung on the walls. When Ellie snooped through things left behind, it didn’t help the loneliness at all. She was tired of reading suicide notes. She was tired of hearing tales of the past, when people barbecued on weekends, and watched television. 

In the damp basements in the middle of the night, the temperatures dropped. She laid out her sleeping bag in a secure corner, remaining as silent as possible. Not a single movement. Keeping her hearing alert. 

Only one thing brought Ellie into a pleasant fantasy. Leaving the farmhouse was one of the hardest things Ellie had ever done. 

All she ever wanted was a family. Then the flashback of Joel’s final moments intruded. She missed him so much. Just thinking about him made her freeze up with fear. Just thinking about Abby made her heart race. Ellie never felt safe. Before, she thought she could get used to hearing the silent darkness of night while he was nearby. 

Now he was gone. It felt a half of her was ripped away. Emptiness, is the only way she could describe this feeling. Not even a family could fill this...hole. This hole that reminded her that her entire existence relied on Joel’s actions and love for her. Now she was expected to continue existing without him. 

Maybe in the moment Abby bit off her fingers, she saw Joel’s songs he taught. They too were gone. Abby was so pathetic. Suddenly she felt exactly where she was, and wondered why she was there. What would it mean for Ellie to go through with this? 

‘I can’t attach this to him,’ she thought. Joel, I miss you. ‘I wish you were here to comfort me.‘ She remembered him taking her to the museum and to go camping for her birthday. He said there was something he thought she would like. 

And now, as her 19 year old self, she saw how Joel fought for someone to love. ‘A reason to fight,’ she thought. The room became so much colder. She would never have the chance to tell him how much she really loved him. She never did and never would. 

The only thought that ever comforted Ellie was Dina. Her mind wandered to fun memories of them together, quiet times of laying together, tangling and communicating with breath, touches and the beat of hearts. She worshipped memories of her body laying in moonlight after a long day of anticipation. 

It had been years since Ellie ‘noticed’ the girl. How often had Ellie stared across the room while hiding her face with a drink at a party? Dina would be there, smiling as the center or attention. She would make everyone in the room want to dance and sing with her. Ellie didn’t feel natural around so many eyes. It was harder to hide. Its harder to keep secrets when you’re around people. 

Every time Dina noticed Ellie at a party, she would smile and shout to her. She would politely excuse herself from friends and come greet her. Ellie’s chest puffed out, seeing her friends watch Dina break away from whatever she was doing to come and say hello. 

“You came to entertain me with your horrible dancing?” Dina snatched the glass from Ellie’s hand and lifted her chin to sip, her eyes smirking at Ellie from the side. 

“You gotta pay extra for that,” Ellie scoffed, leaning against the wall. “This ass ain’t free.”

Dina guffawed. “Don’t quit your day job.” They gossiped and complained about this and that together. “Jesse is being so weird lately.” 

Ellie’s stomach plopped at the recollection of Dina’s...boyfriend? 

“How so?”

“I don’t know,” Dina sighed. “Who cares?” 

Ellie’s stomach turner again at hearing her say such a rotten thing. She wondered if Dina would say the same thing about her. Before thinking too long, Dina dragged her to the dance floor for the power ballad. 

Dina snapped her body close to hers, flush against Ellie’s front, while belting the chorus to “Time After Time” into her eyes as passionately as possible. Ellie can’t stop laughing. There is a touch of serious in Dina’s eyes, as she sings ‘if you’re lost and you look then you will find me, time after time’ with her palm holding Ellie’s cheeks swollen with a drunken smile. The warm pulse of the party, joy, fun, love, safety, just radiated out of Dina. Happiness swelled and spurted out of them like a broken fountain. That’s how she always was. 

Then after the party, they’d be sweaty and spent from dancing like goofy animals or hours, drinking lightheaded alcohol, absolutely high on their youth. Being with her brought out this relaxed person that was free to act out a joke. Dina always laughed, striking the chimes in her belly. 

“Ow! Why don’t you cut your fucking toenails!” Dina kicked around under the covers, shoving Ellie around in search of comfort. 

“Why are you climbing all over me then?” They both knew why, so the question needed no answer. 

—-

“I wanted Abby to kill me,” Ellie said in the moonlit bedroom. They lay close together, reabsorbing, re-familiarizing. Making up for lost time. The comfort suddenly made her feel open enough to say the first thing that came to mind. “I... was disappointed when she didn’t.” 

She remembered crossing the dry California landscape, beat down by the sun. Looking up she saw the golden mountains of the west. The giant great open world, with every wall of protection destroyed, burst open with screams of life. The sprawling fields of grain blew with the passion of the wind. It made her body feel completely weightless. It reminded her of Joel. It was him who taught her how to survive and to live. He should’ve been there to see this. They should’ve had more time. 

Ellie wondered how this all sounded to Dina, as she continued droning on about her trip and what happened. It relaxed both of them. It reminded them of their pure friendship days. When talking like this was all they would do to connect. It wasn’t then yet physical or romantic communication. 

“How do you feel now?” Dina lay on her shoulder with a hooked index finger on her lips, thoughtful. She looked undecided in any which way, and just drifted amongst Ellie’s words, swimming in them. Ellie studied her face to see any difference in Dina’s appearance since the last time they saw each other. Ellie’s eyes drifted over every millimeter of those facial features. 

“Good right now,” Ellie breathed drowsily. She unconsciously clutched Dina closer towards her side as she drifted off. 

Dina looked over at the bedside clock. It read 3:30am. How could she possibly sleep now? She buzzed with excitement, wedged on Ellie’s chest, feeling the hum of her voice. But Ellie was tired. Dina remembered cold, arduous journeys. All alone, surrounded by enemies. 

Ellie’s face rested peacefully, all the tension from earlier washed away. Dina leaned up on her elbows to watch her little ghost sleep. Her lips were parted, blushing like bruised flower petals. Ellie’s face was so naturally stoic and beautiful, so properly edged and set, spotted and marked with freckles and asymmetrical moon-colored scars. Dina thought she looked like a warrior prince. Unable to resist, she ran her fingers under Ellie’s collar and clutches a handful of it. She leaned down towards her lips. 

Instantly, Ellie responded to it, strongly snaking her arms around Dina, returning her kiss like it revived her. It was an oasis, replenishing barren life. Ellie blows her rising excitement through her nose, Dina can feel her muscles tighten under the flannel shirt, she can feel Ellie hardly able to hold back. Dina drank in all of that energy which sank deep into her core, matching all of Ellie’s hard kisses, squeaking softly as Ellie’s hands swipe over her hips, back, thighs. It feels so good; it was like they transported back to their own little world that only they shared. 

Dina held Ellie back an inch from her face, suddenly snapping back to reality. Ellie’s eyes glowered with desire and uncertainty. As much as they wanted to do this forever, pick up where they left off and ignore anything in the way of indulging, Ellie really did confess a lot of heavy baggage and unresolved issues. Dina would be an idiot, she thought, to accept Ellie back into her life as if nothing happened and nothing was wrong. At any point, Ellie could feel haunted again and run off into the forest again. Dina refused to set herself up to be disappointed and resentful of Ellie again. “We can’t just get back together again like this,” she sighed. 

She watched Ellie’s face contort with pain and guilt, and continued as she listened. “You aren’t done with all this. I know you aren’t. And I understand, Ellie. This world has fucked us all up. Especially you.” Dina stroked her cheek, down her jaw to her chin and whispered, “But I still love you.”

Ellie’s painful expression softened with hope. She eagerly stared, with a hint of begging. “What can I do? What should I do?” 

“You should seek help, honey. A therapist or something. Talk with Maria. There are people in Jackson who can do that.”

Ellie’s expression grew conflicted. Talking with a complete stranger about her deepest, darkest demons sounded completely impossible. But she knew Dina was right. They couldn’t consider having a household together again until some psychological support was established. Ellie’s phantom fingers stung and pulsed with pain; they tasted dull, bloody teeth, pulling ligaments apart. Even her ability to play guitar was gone. 

Eventually Ellie nodded, “I understand.” Dina watched her eyes flicker back and forth, deep in thought, chewing her bottom lip. Dina would’ve taken the old Ellie back in a heartbeat. But she was afraid this version of her would eventually resent their relationship, would feel smothered by boring domesticity, and would never truly open herself up to a peaceful life. They would be setting themselves up for failure in that case. More panic attacks in the barn. More night terrors. She was still trapped, dwelling in the past, surrounded by pain. Dina knew exactly how Ellie felt, but admittedly less visceral, while J.J. gave her purpose and distraction. 

“And I want to be there for you.”

Ellie wore a small smile of relief, relishing the comforting hand on her neck. “I promise, I—“

“Don’t promise me anything,” she interrupted. “Who knows what you’ll realize? Don’t do this for me. Please do it for you. That’s the only way this will work. Don’t you see that?”

Ellie deflated and nodded. “I have no one else.”

Dina shook her head. “But that’s not true. You have Maria, Tommy, all the patrol kids. There’s a fucking statue of you on the western wall, you idiot. And there are so many people here who would love to know you better.”

“I hate that statue,” Ellie grumbled. “Makes me look short.”

“I know, wow, it must be so horrible,” Dina whined sarcastically. They laughed away the tense air. Ellie stared at her with beaming admiration and respect. Deep down, they were terrified of this next step. For a moment, in the back of their minds, they wondered if their romantic relationship could ever truly heal. 

“Thank you,” Ellie said. “You’ve saved my life way too many times, I think.”

“You deserve to live, Ellie. We need you. All of us need you,” she replied with the most honest stream of consciousness. “You deserve to be happy and enjoy your life.”

“I don’t know if it’s possible.” It came out as a sob. 

“I think it is.” Dina stroked her and whispered more, “I know it is. I’ve seen you happy.”

Ellie nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat as a tear dropped down her marble cheek. “Should I go now?”

Dina settles at Ellie’s side, pulling the girl’s arm over her shoulders, settling to sleep with a breathy whisper,

“Stay for tonight.”

—————-


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They aren’t talking, but Ellie is trying “therapy”.

“How do you feel when you think about Joel?”

Her heart tightened up. Not as much as it did months ago, but her body still went cold, black and numb. This was their third session, and Ellie had a good feeling about Adam. He had long white hair and was an old hippie friend of Eugene’s. There was a comforting feeling about getting advice from a guy his age. Adam sit cross legged on his loveseat, barefoot with his long, gray braids running down the front of his chest, on top of a decorative leather vest. The first time they met, the sight of the “wise one” grew her a smile. 

At first they joked together, and debated about the best Zeppelin album. Adam recommended Ellie certain strains of weed for relaxation or focus. Ellie was never one to smoke unless it was before bed or at a party, but she let him share this knowledge. “I also grow mushrooms. But you’re definitely not ready for that. I think it really can strengthen ones’ relationship to themselves if it’s done correctly. Though I definitely wouldn’t sell this to the local teenagers.” Adam stroked his white beard.

Ellie remembered trying mushrooms with Dina, out in the farm fields on a weekend without work, and having a horrible time puking them up while Dina laughed at her hysterically. Woozily, Ellie pushed the girl to the ground, on a bed of golden wheat to wrestle and restore her pride. Dina just kept laughing and chiming the strings of her heart, while Ellie put her into submission, but the smaller girl put up no resistance. Before they knew it, the sun was setting. “The sky looks like a painting,” Dina said while they lie on their backs beside each other. “Painted by god.”

Ellie had no idea what Dina was talking about, but just enjoyed listening to whatever nonsense came out of her mouth. 

She told Adam about what happened between them and he listened to her in deep thought, his white eyebrows knitting together, his gangly veiny hand brushing through the scruff on his face. “Hmm. So...you left your home together to avenge his death?”

“Pretty much.” Telling this story to a third party made everything she did sound incredibly stupid. “It was a bad mistake.”

Adam looked up at the ceiling, still calculating, forming his collection of information about Ellie, characterizing her personality in his mind. “I don’t know about that. I mean, yes, I could see why Dina would feel extremely hurt by this. But I also see how this would have felt like the only logical decision for you given where you were at.”

Ellie said nothing. Surely therapy didn’t mean some hippie fogey affirming all your decisions. Suddenly it felt like doing therapy too was a mistake. 

“Well, did you do it?” he probed. 

Oh, Abby. Ellie felt her pinky and ring fingers dislodging in between those flat teeth. She shuddered and moaned internally. “No. I didn’t.”

“Why not?” Adam’s blue eyes swam with consideration.

“Because I think it would’ve made my nightmare permanent. I don’t think I could ever wash away my hate after that.”

“Ellie, I think it’s time we talk more about Joel.”

“What about him?”

Adam shrugged. “Well, what was he like? What does he mean to you? What drove you to killing so many people for him?”

Ellie looked down at the braided, colorful carpet that added a funky, carefree vibe to Adam’s abode. He lived in a one story house alone, taught yoga workshops to the adults, and gardened for the community. Adam was in the middle of pitching an idea to Maria about Jackson manufacturing and trading pot, but that dream of his was on indefinite hold. People didn’t think that sort of business would invite great company. 

What did Joel mean to her? What kind of question is that? Wasn’t it obvious? And suddenly, she was surprised at how speechless she was at the question. Ellie, who pushed Joel away for their last two years together, yearned for his presence now like an orphan. Ellie didn’t have an attachment to her biological father. She started to forget her real mother. Joel filled the place of both of them, surrounding her with parental affection and paternal protection. 

“He was my best friend,” Ellie said. “I looked up to him a lot. I still do.” She thought of his jacket that she wore, like a shield or a veil of invincibility, to ward off enemies with his residual power. He taught her how to fight. How to use pistols, rifles, mines, Molotov cocktails, how to whip her knife properly, proper chokeholds. The element of stealth and surprise. His power was something to envy, which people did. She remembered Dina’s whisper in her ear at the dance before Seattle: ‘I think they should be terrified of you.’ It made her think of Joel. 

“Even though he has killed many people?” Ellie looked at Adam’s face for a shred of judgment but couldn’t find one. The question sounded like an accusation, to which Ellie was ready to fight to the death against. 

“Yes. He did it because he had to. To protect the people he loved.” Her voice rose and strained. 

“And that person was you, right?”

Ellie deflated with guilt. “Yes.”

Adam chewed Ellie’s responses around his mind. “Would you say, you’d like to be like him?”

She wasn’t sure exactly. But over the years, she unconsciously adapted some of his personality traits. Holding cards close to the vest. Always aware of the nearest exit. Wary of newcomers. He runs into threat of danger to destroy it, instead of away from it. He helped her calm the nerves of being in battle. He found joy in small things. He loved music. “Yeah I think I would.”

Adam sighed. “Do you think killing people makes you feel close to Joel?”

Ellie swallowed a lump in her throat. She thought Tommy telling her that Joel would never let Abby live, and what that meant to her. “I don’t know,” she said honestly. 

“Ellie, I think you and Joel have a lot in common. You respond to fear and the threat of abandonment similarly. Maybe a little power crazy. You have a very strong death instinct.”

She had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. He sounded like a gossip magazines’ horoscope reading. “I don’t know what that means, sorry.”

Adam giggled before reaching for a professionally crafted joint resting on the glossy wooden coffee table. A colorful handmade Tucán shaped ashtray lay beside a golden carrousel cigarette holder. “All I’m saying is, I wouldn’t wanna be the one to cross you guys. But we will get there. I think he is the key to a lot of what’s going on, stirring up inside your soul. Maybe you’ve become his copy.” He glanced at the clock on the wall. “Looks like our time is up for today. Wanna get lit, sister?”

———

The next week, Adam is wearing sandals made of straps of leather. His wizardly beard was trimmed for neatness. “Have you talked to Dina at all?”

Ellie was disappointed to tell him no, they hadn’t. Although the first night they met, Dina assured her she wanted to be a part of Ellie’s healing process, they hardly acknowledged each other around Jackson. It disturbed her greatly. Something felt as though Dina might have changed her mind about giving Ellie a second chance. Maybe time was pulling back the illusion that Ellie would be good enough for her. Maybe that was a good thing. 

After all, Adam brought up Ellie’s ‘death instinct’. Maybe he was right; she wanted to self-annihilate. Deep down, there was a hole begging for the end. But the world had already ended years ago. Society melted down, and people were left to the vulnerability of the cold, hungry wilderness. They were left to the disgusting, primitive urges of men with weapons. The weak were smote like fruit flies, cleared out to remove the too many mouths to feed. The world ended, and survivors were phantoms of former people, clinging onto little scraps of their humanity. Neediness and poverty degraded people’s dignity; they killed anyone and everyone for bullets and food. 

So these gangs and warring states came into existence, riding the tides of conflict for dominance. Ellie grew up in this world. She came into her own in this environment and thrived amongst it. No open wound, no bomb injuries, no busted skull with pouring brains could phase her badly. She grew to ignore people’s final pleas for life. The only person she cared about saving and protecting was Joel. That is, until she arrived at Jackson, and this new chapter of herself was born. 

“I didn’t see her,” Ellie pursed her lips. Maria hadn’t paired them for patrols. She spent her time helping fix fences in the pastures, screwing leaks shut under sinks, spreading drywall over holes. Every moment of everyday she wondered where Dina was and what she was doing. She knew where the girl lived of course, and knew she worked primarily in the clinic. For some reason she expected Dina to approach her first and initiate the rate of their reconciliation. 

This never came. 

“Well, have you reached out to her?” Adam’s white mustache smirked. He looked at her over his circular bifocals. His long hair was tied back by a tie dye headband. 

She shook her head, “No.”

Adam shifted in his leather loveseat uncertainly. “I don’t think you’re ready to accept Dina’s love, Ellie.”

Ellie’s anger swelled. “Why? Why not? Isn’t that what we’re doing this for?” Every second without Dina felt like another step closer to complete isolation. 

“Well, just listen to you,” Adam shrugged in exasperation, “you fucking hate yourself dude. And you expect her to just...make it all better?”

Dina did make it all better. She didn’t even have to try; just being around the girl brought her peace. But Adam was right: Ellie left all that behind for Abby. That time, it was about Abby. The next time, it would be something else. ‘Next time...’ Ellie pondered. 

“And I think you kind of, idolize Dina,” Adam continued with a touch more pity than Ellie would’ve liked. “Maybe you’re not taking into consideration how that’s making her feel.”

Ellie considered the picture of Dina in her head. Dina was her breath of life. She was a charm to ward off evil. She was the source of her strength. The fire in her weapons and in her heart. 

“She’s like, Madonna with child to you. A symbol of fertility and life and hope. You’re sucking at all of that energy to fuel your existence. But she’s just a girl too, you know. A 20 year old girl, just like you.” The fertility comment reminded her of ancient people worshipping a stone statue of a woman. 

Ellie thought of Joel’s words of advice: ‘Find something to keep fighting for.’ That’s what she did. Adam did not understand them at all. She grew frustrated. 

“I love her,” Ellie gritted, looking out the window. Some kids were in the street kicking around a soccer ball without a single care in the world. 

“Yeah, and you don’t even love yourself.” 

Ellie looked down at her missing fingers. “You’re right. I don’t.”

Adam sighed ruefully. “Ellie... I think you should let Dina go. For your own sake. To find your own purpose and happiness.”

That shot through her like a hot arrow right through the core. A life without Dina meant absolutely nothing. Ellie clenched her fists. “Then what the fuck am I supposed to do now?”

“Just live Ellie.”

Her voice cracked, “I can’t!”

“We’ll work on it together. Just keep working on fixing up those houses. Keep protecting your community from the bad guys. Keep learning how to play guitar left handed. Write songs about Joel. Go to the parties and meet new people. Make new friends. Dance, for God sakes!” Adam looked like a jolly Santa Clause, throwing his hands up and smiling with the joy of life. Ellie could not mirror his enthusiasm at all. 

“Out of all the people who have died on this wretched earth, we are still here. We can still bask in the loving glory of God’s sun. Tomorrow will come and it will shine down on us again, Ellie. There will always be a second chance for us tomorrow.”

—-

Knowing Ellie was not dead in a random ditch in California, rotting in the heat of the western sun into a brittle skeleton, it put Dina at a certain peace. But after their initial talk, the two of them didn’t speak at all. When they passed each other on the streets of Jackson, her heart sang with a shriek of happiness, they smiled at each other, considered stopping for a split second, but ultimately decided against it. 

There was something about Ellie that terrified Dina. Seeing her was like watching someone be revived from the dead. The blood on her hands, the fingers severed, the scar through her eyebrow... It thrilled her deeply, and she was in love, she knew Ellie would never hurt her, but she attracted chaos and danger. Dina was no stranger to loss, and did not want to invite more of it into her and JJ’s lives. 

But Dina thought of Ellie constantly. All the birds singing in the morning, the sound of eggs frying, the kids playing in the street, the patrol officers loading their guns, the horses trotting in the fields, the whistle of the breeze, JJ’s favorite toys, all reminded Dina of her. Most obvious was the cold vacancy in her tiny bed, where Ellie once sat when she initially returned. Dina curled into herself, stroking her own body, imagining being touched and held by strong hands, held down and forcefully—-

“Hey Dina,” Tommy approached her in the bar, splitting her out of her fantasy. In her attempt to unwind after a clinical shift, she left JJ with Jesse’s mother to find a drink on a Wednesday evening. She clutched her chest, shocked at the thoughts she was having in public. Tommy held his hands up in a gesture of peace. “Whoa, did I spook ya?”

“What do you want?” she grumbled in her beer, averting her eyes from the man. They hardly spoke after Ellie left to fight Abby. Dina pretended she didn’t blame Tommy for instigating it, but she obviously did. 

“Did you work things out with Ellie?” he asked nervously. It was clear he was thinking about this. 

Dina loudly rest the glass back on the counter, and crossed her arms to face him. “No. We didn’t. Is that a surprise to you?”

Tommy’s floundered a bit in shock, “I mean, yeah, I... You kids were inseparable.”

“Yes, we were.” Dina rolled her eyes and wondered what the point of this conversation was. “Our priorities are different.” She said this with a hint of venom, jabbing at Tommy’s role in their break up. ‘Are we broken up?’ she wondered. She didn’t know. Functionally, they were. People who are dating tend to speak to each other. 

Tommy rubbed the back of his neck with guilt and awkwardness. “Well I heard she’s seeing Dr Adam. Maria tells me she’s really working at it. Says she’s getting along a bit better.”

“He’s not a real doctor, he’s an elderly stoner.”

“He’s legit, Dina!”

“That’s great.” Dina replies flatly. He was the last person in the world she wanted to hear this from. Why not from Ellie herself?

There was a part of Dina that worried being around Ellie might make the girl worse. They depended on each other greatly. Perhaps to a fault. She resented Ellie for being so self-centered. Why did she get to wallow in her losses more than Dina? Didn’t she realize her entire family was also murdered and gone? 

Dina found a reason to smile after what happened to her in New Mexico. Here in Jackson, Wyoming. 

Her mother, her sister. Jesse. The family she had with Ellie and JJ was supposed to be forever. Now it was shattered. 

Tommy sighed. “Don’t shut her out forever. You went through hell for that girl.” The vision of the theater in Seattle came to her. A chill ran through her body. “Even if things don’t work our romantically, stay in each other’s lives.”

Dina said nothing and resumed her glass. 

“We all need each other” he said before Dina heard the sad sound of the empty bar’s door closing. 

——


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina discovers a new addition to Jackson, while still feeling torn about who she is.

Robin patted the little baby’s back, listening to JJ’s mother voice her heartache 

“The first time I killed someone,” Dina began, “A human—-was to protect my mother from being killed. It was horrible, but I got used to it. I did it for Ellie.”

Talking about it made her vividly remember being a young girl, barely a teenager, stabbing and bleeding and ending her attackers’ life. She didn’t regret it, but the gurgling of air through a cut throat haunted her. Terror beat through her cold heart. 

Robin became like family to Dina when she moved in with JJ. Jin, her husband and Jesse’s father, helped move all of their things from the farmhouse back to Jackson. The two of them were so happy to bring JJ to their two-story house near the bar. Soon they fell into a rhythm of trading chores, cooking, cleaning, caring for the baby, and eating dinner together. Jin liked to drink and tell stories, and Robin would correct him or flat out laugh about his tall tales. The laughter lit up the soul of the household, giving Dina a warm place to land after her shifts around the community. She prayed for Jesse often and thanked him from the bottom of her heart for this love, and she hoped he would be happy and proud of her. JJ was Robin and Jin’s treasured link to their late son. 

The dreams of Seattle came back to her over the weeks of Ellie’s presence back in Jackson. It had been four weeks and they’d not spoken a single word to each other. It was not accidental. After their first night together, her anxiety built around the idea of losing Ellie a second time. Ellie forced her into a world where she could never be close to Ellie again. Far away, the person Dina counted on the most in the world walked off the edge of the earth after packing a backpack and saying goodbye at the back door. Her chest flared up with sadness, feeling the hot sting of betrayal. But worst of all, Dina missed Ellie’s touch, her presence, her comforting arms around her, body warmth spreading through the bed, kissing deeply and enjoying the quietness of their love. 

But now, who was she? She killed for Ellie. The girl returned after torturing Nora, covered in blood, that pale face shell shocked from the monstrous things she’d done to ‘make her talk ’, and Dina threw her arms around Ellie. Instead of running away, Dina understood Ellie’s pain. When they found the two dead mutilated bodies, tied to chairs, Dina wished she had such a chance with Talia’s murderers. 

Dina walked a thousand miles to help Ellie get her revenge. What did that mean? Would she have done the same for Jesse? Maybe she would’ve, maybe not. Dina suddenly felt herself becoming a doll again; Ellie’s comfort puppet to be used when convenient, and to be left behind when it became a “burden” (the word she used when Dina became pregnant). It was clear Ellie didn’t mean it exactly like that, but after she left, Dina could not shake the idea of being Ellie’s burden. 

The bloody red theater came back. Dina tackles Abby with the knife but couldn’t but a scratch on her, and instead gained a concussion. Abby decided not to kill them, but she would’ve died for Ellie. She was so close to actually losing her life and the existence of JJ for Ellie. 

Dina didn’t regret it. 

—-

She considered indulging her fantasies, going back to the window and writing another note, hoping Ellie would pass by on her way to work and see it. Dina unfolded an old piece of a white paper bag, and hastily scrawled a plea for Ellie to come inside. But as she folded it, the note looked like a white flag, waving for surrender on a sinking ship. And that’s what it felt like she was doing. Dina crumped the note up and tossed it in the garbage. 

Around 10pm she put the baby down for the night. He slept peacefully through the night usually. Except during thunderstorms. The crackling of thunder distressed him. 

He looked more and more like Jesse everyday. In her prayers, she thanked him and told him she missed him very much. The synagogue in Seattle felt like a dome of love and strength around her, and praying reminded her of Talia in a positive light. She was able to carry Jesse in her heart. He seemed closer when she prayed for him. Someday she would tell JJ all about him. 

She remembered being in love with him. It was very different than it was with Ellie. It was the day before Seattle that made her realize the difference. Jesse was a simple physical attraction mixed with giddy friendship. He was one of the most handsome patrol boys, and they clicked easily. The last time they had sex, JJ was conceived. They were on and off before that, and hadn’t done it in a long time. 

Dina compared her two best-friends-turned-lovers. She thought making love with Ellie was softer and more passionate, but maybe because it was so...tense. Being with Jesse was never like that. It was predictable, routine. 

Boring? she thought, then felt guilty about insulting her dead friend. 

That night would be her first patrol since before JJ was born. Maria asked her to reconsider returning to the field with her being a new mother. But that night, she begged Maria to let her out of the suffocating borders of Jackson, to let her feel her own strength again. Dina wanted to rely on herself, to also feel like a worthy protector of her home. 

Not being able to protect those people who give your life meaning... that would make you worthless, Dina thought of herself. Talia was around her age when she died. Almost twenty one years old. 

She met Henry at the gate. He was an older barrel-bellied country boy who happened lead the bowling league. Although he was friends with Seth, he didn’t give Dina a hard time about her ...’preferences’. “Thank you for joining me, Dina!” he drawled sarcastically, waving his arm to exaggerate his fake exhaustion. She smiled. 

“You got nowhere to be, buddy. Let’s go.”

They set off north off the usual path, and Henry was halfway through a boring story about catching saltwater bass and the white rapids of Colorado, when they spotted a dark shadowy figure in the trees. The two of them immediately halted, and pointed their weapons. The moonlight just barely peeked through the deep canopy, even the wind held its breath. 

“I’ll get you, you little bastard—“ Henry cocked his rifle, before Dina threw her hand out to grab it and halt him.

“Wait! It’s not a runner!” her voice cracked. It was a person. They stumbled down the hilly path, moaning and gurgling weakly, but Dina noticed the noisy sound of jingling metal. Yes she couldn’t have mistaken it, when hearing something chiming in the wind. The person staggered along in crude, rusty iron shackles. The jingling sounded between deep, human sobs. It was a young woman. 

“Put your hands up!” Dina peered at the figure down the sight of her rifle. It could’ve been some kind of trap. Joel and Tommy once met Abby for the first time in a similar situation. 

When the shackles girl put her hands up, Dina saw her face. It reminded her of the theater yet again. That face, smeared with its own blood, poured out from a broken nose, one eye swelled shut, the ghostly moans of pain... and then the fateful, shadowy silhouette collapsed, crumpled to the ground. 

—-

Dina took the first clinic shift early the next morning. The girl she and Henry found was stable; the two of them brought her in past the gate. Maria and Tommy eyed them all suspiciously. 

“The last time I trusted someone outside the gates, Joel was fucking murdered,” Tommy huffed. “And now, Dina, you bring this random girl inside? Who knows who she is or where the hell she came from?” Maria agreed with him, but they couldn’t think of an alternative. Leaving a human survivor outside the gates was an unnecessary waste of life. They could use more hands in the fields and on patrols. They decided to put this unnamed girl on probation until they got more information. 

Dina rushed to the clinic, stomach buzzing with excitement. After placing the young girl on the table, wiping the smeared crusted blood from her face, she got a closer look at this mystery person. 

The girl must’ve been in her mid 20s, maybe a bit older than Dina. She had lots of tattoos on her arms; ones of daggers, roses, flowers, animals. She wore an oversized canvas button down over a t-shirt. Dina also noticed a nose ring. In the few minutes she was around this person, she felt a small note of attachment, because they reminded her vaguely of—-

“Hey,” Ellie snapped Dina out of her thoughts with a pearly smile, interrupting her beeline to the clinic. Dina’s heart fluttered with surprise and admiration. They had gone without talking for the longest period of their relationship, and yet Ellie in her daily work clothes, coveralls and boots, made her think very bad, distracting thoughts about rolling in hay.

“Hey!” Dina replied breathlessly, not realizing how lost in her own hurry she became. All the things she thought of Ellie in the past weeks seemed to vanish instantly. Resentful conclusions drawn from old memories, Dina’s role as Ellie’s puppet punching bag, instantly melted away. In front of her stood a young hero. Dina kicked herself for caving so easily, but also sighed with relief that her deep love had not been totally extinguished. “What up?” she chirped eagerly. 

Ellie shrugged her strong shoulders. Dina remembered hanging off of them. “Nothin’, same old, doing my rounds.” Ellie stuck the shovel in her hand into the dirt and leaned her elbow on the top of the long handle. “What’s got you all riled up?” 

“We found a human survivor outside the gates last night.” Dina noticed the clasp of Ellie’s coveralls were twisted and backward. She stepped forward to undo it, and worked on fixing it. Ellie’s eyebrows rose, maybe at their new closeness or at the information she just heard. “I’m on first shift at the clinic, so I’m gonna play interrogator.”

“Wow, lucky them gets interrogator Dina and nurse Dina? They’ll think they died and went to heaven,” Ellie joked and smiled down at the backhanded swat Dina flew at her shoulder. She looked up and saw Ellie’s blue eyes swimming with love and a smirk of flirtatious uncertainty. Dina suddenly suffocated. “But seriously, be careful. They could be anybody.” Ellie raised a hand down to push back a strand of hair behind her ear; the touch shocked her heart. “They don’t want me coming after them.”

Dina chimed a genuine laugh, amused by Ellie’s blatantly corny flirting. She smoothed out the fixed coverall clasps on Ellie’s chest. “I think I can handle myself,” Dina said as Ellie grasped Dina’s wrist in place. Protective Ellie turned her on, but she definitely didn’t need Ellie thinking of her as some kind of damsel. Before Seattle, there was no dynamic of who was stronger—-they were equals. As Dina feared, the scales tipped after being pregnant and unusually vulnerable. 

“I know you can,” Ellie said with a soft, endearing smile, a thumb brushing across her wrist. “You think I wanna be on the wrong side of your shot?”

“You flatter me, Williams.” 

“Yeah, yeah. What are you doing after work?”

There was a glimmer of hope in Ellie’s eyes, and Dina wondered if she was cold enough to crush it, right now, before things got complicated again. Unsure of their feelings on a shaky foundation, it felt like she was standing on the edge of a deep, dark canyon, asked to jump. Only a couple of years ago Ellie was fine with having part of Dina. But now, it felt like Dina’s hand was always forced into giving it all. The light grip on her wrist sent small shocks of pleasure to her heart. Certainly if Ellie kissed her, all that resolve she spent months working up would be shattered. It was terrifying. 

“I...” Dina couldn’t process a single excuse. “I’m not doing anything.” 

“Can we go for a walk together?” 

I don’t know if it’s a good idea, she thought. Just say: I don’t think that’s a good idea! Dina’s inner monologue gripped her nerves. 

“Yes.” Her mouth spoke without consulting her mind, and it was too late to reel back in. Ellie’s cautious, considerate, tender gaze melted into pure excitement and happiness. Dina’s heart sang against its will. The weak, lovesick part of her heart, trampled by self-hatred, overpowered her at the small hope that Ellie would want to win her back, and never leave her side again. The other, resentful, wary part of her heart cursed at her, warning that she was digging her own grave. 

“Awesome! I’ll find you later then. And I’ll let you get to work.” Ellie leaned down to press a kiss to her knuckles, shocking Dina again with affection. “You can tell me all about the new arrival later.” With that, she snatched up her shovel again and made off, leaving Dina wistfully frozen in place. 

New arrival? Oh, the person Henry and I found. That’s right, Dina thought. 

She totally forgot about them. Making her way down the road to the clinic, Dina had a small, nagging feeling that this person would unlock a new chapter to Jackson. But it was too late to shut this door. The person was already here. Just like water never flows backwards, neither does time. Instead of living in Ellie’s fate, Dina strongly wished for her own.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina fatefully meets an old friend.

3

Maria and Tommy stood over the gurney, considering the weak, battered prisoner. Dina has set her broken nose, stitched 13 wounds shut, and covered her bare fingernail beds with bandages. The girls skin was deflated from dehydration, hanging off of her bones like a sheet. The shackles on her wrists wore deep gashes into her wrists. It was nightmarish. 

Dina flinched at the sight of those maimed hands, which reminded her of Ellie. ‘I made her talk,’ said the voice in Dina’s mind that made her shudder. 

The two leaders insisted they keep the girl in the iron shackles until she answered their questions. “She’s a young girl, hardly a huge threat,” Maria pondered aloud. 

Tommy shook his head. “You see my fucked up face? Yeah, that’s what you get for thinking like that.” 

“Do you think she’s WLF?”

Dina looked up from her seat on the side of the gurney, where she changed the soggy bandages stuffed in the girls nostrils. “No. Most of them are dead. Maybe all of them.”

Tommy scoffed, “Except the most important one.” 

“Get over yourself,” Dina muttered. He glared at her, ready to argue, before Maria held her palms up as an exhausted peacekeeper. 

“Guys, squash your beef another time. Back to the question: is there another militia group nearby? Have we heard anything from patrol?”

“No. Nothing but your average stray runners.”

Maria brought her finger to her chin, eyes furrowed on the prisoner. “There must be. Someone planted her. This is a message. You think someone in this condition could just wander all over Wyoming and randomly find us?”

The three of them stewed in tense silence. 

“I’m worried,” Maria admitted. 

And then they heard the crackly, heavy groan from the bed. The sound made Dina jump. The girl turned her head to avoid the bright light, which Dina pushed out of the way. Her eyes slitted open slowly, blinking through thick mucous. It took a moment for her eyes to focus on the person closest to her from the gurney. 

When the prisoners eyes fell on Dina, her swollen jaw dropped open, the groan grew into a gasp, which grew into a weak voice, “Oh shit. Oh shit.” Her voice grew into astonished wailing at the sight of Dina’s face. 

“Talia? Am I dead? Am I dreaming?” The unused, croaky voice saying her sister’s name shot an instant hot pang of shock through Dina. It paralyzed her, rooting her to the spot. The mention of Talia send a sting of sick pain to her stomach. It had been years since she heard her name spoken by someone else. Panic began to set in. This stranger recognized her. 

Dina looked up at Maria and Tommy, whose expressions were clueless. They stepped back to observe this unusual exchange, indicating they would let it play out. They both knew Dina’s family was dead and had been for a very long time, far, far away. 

Dina’s voice began to shake. She remembered how people used to say the two of them looked so much alike. It always made her feel happy, because Talia really was so beautiful. “N-No. I’m Dina,” was all she could muster. “You? Who are you? How do you know me?”

“Dina?” The girls voice and face lit up with wonder. “You...” her eyes trailed all over Dina, collecting her total form. “You’re a woman now.”

Dina hadn’t seen Talia since she was fifteen, and left New Mexico as a girl. It seemed like eternities ago that she was trekking the desert like a nomad with a band of survivors, trailed by the Ravens. The terror of that chapter of her life was swept into the mental corner of the past. And here this stranger was, bringing it all back to life, for her to relive it all. Her heart burned furiously with grief and sorrow. 

“Yeah, I’m a mother too now,” Dina chuckled, suddenly trusting the glint of knowing love in the girl’s eyes. This prisoner knew Talia, and the tone of her voice expressed affection and relief. Maria and Tommy glanced at each other silently. 

“A mother!? Wow...” the girl never peeled her eyes from Dina’s, as she slowly and painfully reached into her inner shirt pocket. 

“Hey!” Tommy snatched the shackled girl’s wrist, jingling the chains. He flipped the inside of her shirt out and saw what she was reaching for. 

Dina reached out to the shirt and pulled out a pair of bent and warped glasses. She unfolded them carefully, noticing the rust forming on the metal, and the cracks in the glass. The prisoner allowed Dina to slip them onto her broken face. Suddenly, memories flooded back to Dina about New Mexico, about her time escaping the Ravens, and her sisters’ murder. Yes, that face on the prisoner was familiar, stored in a sealed vault in the back of Dina’s mind where every single horror of that time was locked. 

“You...” Dina breathed. “I know you.”

The prisoner smiled with tearful joy. “You survived. I’m so...happy.”

—

The feeling of desert air drifting through the cracks of an abandoned house came to her memory. Cool night air wafted over them as they slept on the messy floor of a makeshift shelter. Dina was just a fifteen year old girl, curled on top of her sleeping bag, when Talia’s whisper startled her awake. 

“Shh,” Talia placed a finger on her lips, “Don’t wake Mama.” In the window she saw some of the other young survivors, in their late teens, waiting for her. Talia snuck out after Mama went to sleep to dance around the midnight bonfires. They drank and laughed among the crimson dunes that swept and sprawled endlessly across the landscape. Those kids were older, and Talia tried to keep Dina from tagging along. Dina thought she was secretly ashamed of ‘debauchery’ and thought of Talia’s protectiveness as a cute big sister thing. Eventually, Dina successfully wore down Talia’s nerves with begging and threats until she agreed to bring her along. 

That night was the last night they had together. In the dizzy, gusty heat of the night, something felt off. Usually their hangouts felt loose and relaxing, but as the group approached the site, they felt an unfamiliar presence, as if the hills were watching them. Deep boot prints were sunk into the sand. They had no time to react, no weapons to defend themselves with, no way to call for help. 

“Hide!” were Talia’s last words to her. Underneath the burnt remains of an old car, Dina cowered and sobbed as silently as she could while the Ravens descended. 

—-

“You were there that night,” Dina sighed. Her skin froze over, ice cold with longing and loss. Her sisters’ screams rang distantly in her ears. 

The prisoner let her mouth drop open, but struggled to find words. Tears welled shallowly in her eyes. “I... tried to save her.” Her jaw trembled. “I’m so sorry, Dina.”

“Me too, Evelyn. Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I haven’t written a fan fiction in many years but TLOU2 really fucking inspired me because these characters are SO DAMN COMPLICATED. There’s so much freedom to be had with this story, and I have an idea for a new enemy and a long running plot and some conflicting love interests. So anyway let me know what you think, I only proofread this once so it’s not the very best. I hope the flashbacks flowed well.
> 
> I don’t believe Dina and Ellie should be together right away. They’re so fucked up and I think IRL they would not work out because of their trauma. But there’s a lot of growth to be had too so anything is possible. Maybe it will mean more if they end up together in the end. 
> 
> Or maybe they won’t >:) haha!


End file.
